We are approaching the end of February and hopefully experiencing our last below freezing wind chills. I have not done much writing here in the past year. Looking back, loosing my dad, my uncle, being in a car crash, I could safely write about these experiences. Post divorce issues; not getting along with my ex, loosing a family because of divorce, loosing my home because of divorce, these are not easy topics for me to address. Attorney's and court rooms and obligations not met. SO MUCH emotion and anger and past regrets. So many times in the past year, driving through these beautiful country roads, I ask myself "How did I get here?" There is so much of this that I don't want. I just want things to be simple and they are not, and never will be.
My parents divorced when I was 3, the same age my son was when his dad and I "officially" got divorced. Although it was well over much before I was pregnant, 10 years of co-dependency and bad habits. When I was growing up my families lived in the same small town. My mom got along with my dad's parents, and would often be invited in for pie and coffee. There was never any negative energy. My families spoke fondly of one another. And the best part, I had both my families. Everyone lived in the same place. I spent every other weekend with my dad. My parents didn't hang out, but they also didn't avoid one another. Of course, there was no facebook, no cell phones. If you wanted to contact someone, you called, and left a message on the answering machine. And then they called you back.
I live in Wisconsin. This is where my ex is from and where his family lives and that's why I am here. This is where our child was born. So this is where we live. I'm lucky to have good friends here. This world can be a mean place. I'm damn lucky to have good friends, a powerfully supportive mom, a strong, honest man who loves me, and a few paintings to finish. One of the best joys I have right now, is when I bring my son home after he has been away with his dad, and he says "Did you make a new painting while I was gone?" as he walks over to my painting spot to see for himself. I think he is my biggest fan.
It's going to be a big year. My son and I will move to a small apartment. He will begin kindergarden. I will continue to paint, drink too much tea and probably spend too much time wishing things were just a *little* different.