Some thoughts on crying...
I've been an early bird my whole life. I can remember being 10 years old and waking up my friend Dory at 5am during a sleepover, ready to start the day. I tried sleeping in when I was a teenager, since it seemed like that was the teenage thing to do- but it just never felt right. I'd missed the best part of the day. The quiet. And when you grow up within alcoholism, honestly, it's the sober and safe part of the day.
It's 4:41am as I type this. The heat just kicked on. I'm sipping an amazing ripe puerh from Menghai Factory. I didn't sleep well last night, tossed and turned, wishing for some deep sleep that eventually came in spurts. I went to bed without eating supper. Yesterday I had an experience where someone I love and respect said something that I disagreed with and they told me very sternly DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME.
And you know what my reaction was? I cried! I could NOT stop those tears from forming no matter how hard I tried. And I was humiliated! From the words, and from my reaction to them. There has never been a worse feeling for me than to let people see me cry, even those close to me. It's the ultimate vulnerability. And I kept trying to stuff those tears away and they were NOT having it. The emotion prevented me from speaking, all that would be released was the tears. All brought on by words. Words that cut me. Shut me up. Told me I was wrong and I don't have a say. I felt like a little girl. No voice.
I can't remember who said this, but I always go back to it. Humans are FEELING creatures who THINK, not THINKING creatures who FEEL. But we are raised to fear our emotions, to stuff them down where they create dis-ease and stress in our bodies, instead of releasing them and feeling relief. It's like emotions were an inconvenience growing up. Something that got in the way, complicated things. When we were babies we were left to "cry it out". We were told from the start- your tears don't matter. We are taught to be productive little machines, always praised for our productivity and achievements. If only we could have been taught how to be better friends, how to be in relationship with one another, how to handle our big feelings gently instead of immediately fearing them, hiding them away.
And now that I'm the age that I am, I can feel the world looking at me and going...oh, it's just her hormones. But maybe it's my body saying that THERE IS NO MORE ROOM. You have stuffed all you can stuff for the past 47 years and there is no more room in here- you are going to have to learn now how to release the tears and not feel shame or fear in doing so. You are safe. Let it go. No Vacancy.
And that's the practice isn't it? Every time we are triggered it is an opportunity to practice reacting in a way that is grounding instead of sending us spiraling out into old patterns. But DAMN those emotions can feel POWERFUL. Tears can feel like a damn breaking. And when a damn breaks, that's some messy shit! And as much as I'd like to say OPE! I'm gonna cry and there is no stopping it...let me just go over here and cry it out in my safe space and when I'm done I'm just gonna pretend like that didn't happen, okay?? And ya know what? That would still be an improvement from simply running away in fear and humiliation like I did yesterday. Or maybe that smells of "getting the other Natalie", but at least it's an acknowledgment.
I am about to cry.
But my reaction to that is to apologize for the crying...I am SO sorry. Because in not being able to control those tears- I am inconveniencing - I am making someone else uncomfortable with my tears. Learning to let go- that you CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S REACTIONS- that's tough.
Wow you guys. Being human is hard. 47 years of it so far and I'm still trying to figure it out. And I suppose that's the journey. Our sensitive spirits have landed on this blue ball floating through space RIGHT NOW and we've got some pretty big hurdles to climb. COMMUNITY seems to be the KEY. So today please go easy on yourself. Go easy on others. You never know who is just a few words away from needing a good cry. Pat them on the back and tell them it's okay to cry. Give them space if they need it, or ask if they would like a hug. We all need each other. We are all learning together. Life is messy, chaotic, unfair, and heartbreakingly beautiful and poetic and full of magic. Each day is a gift. No one ever said it would be easy.